Steps of Positive Discipline

I have a two hour Positive Discipline Refresher workshop currently available through my online service, Below are some reminders and a few examples of using the Steps of Positive Discipline.

I messages and empathy are foundation pieces of positive discipline. They are meant to be used as you enter into the exchange. I messages are for sharing (and calming) your own emotions. They are used when laying blame to be sure you are blaming behavior and situation not child. Empathy validates the childs emotions and understands why they feel that way. This tends to calm the child and put them in a better place to listen. Positive Intent is identifying the good reason behind even the bad behavior. It is not meant to excuse behavior away but rather to calm you, shift your approach to the child and lessen their defensiveness, so they can take ownership of the behavior. While I messages and empathy are used as needed, positive intent is good to at least think everytime.

Choices are meant to change behaviors. They work because they share power. When a child makes a choice they are buying into the process and closer to the behavior. Remember, two positive choices that meet your goal. Be flexible and creative here. Choices before consequences unless it’s aggression. Natural consequences are what just might happen. They are given as a warning and the child is aloud to choose behavior. Positive logical consequences are if the good behavior, then the good outcome. Negative logical consequences are if the bad behavior, then the bad outcome. Logical consequences are best when related in time, intensity and content.

Let’s say your child is chasing and yelling at a playmate, trying to grab a toy the friend has.

  • I message – “I’m upset, people are grabbing.” OR  “I’m frustrated, this is too loud.”
  • Empathy – “I know you are frustrated, it is hard to wait.” OR “Wow, you are upset. You really want that.”
  • Positive Intent – “You are excited about that toy.”
  • Choices – “Do you want to play with this or that while you wait?” OR “Do you want to ask for or turn, or do you want me to help?”
  • Natural Consequences – “If you keep chasing, he might not want to play.”
  • Logical positive – “If you can wait, I will be sure you have the next turn.”
  • Logical negative – “If you keep grabbing, you may not have a turn.” OR “If you keep yelling, you’ll have to play in a separate room.”

Author: Dr. Rene Hackney

With a MA in school psychology and a PhD in developmental psychology, I founded and work as a parent educator at Parenting Playgroups. Somewhere in there I trained in the Developmental Clinic at Children's NMC and in the public schools. I have two beautiful, funny children who make me practice what I preach most everyday.

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