Blended Families and Re-Building Relationships

Hi Dr. Rene,
We are a blended family and have been for more than five years. One of my step children has suddenly decided they dislike me and will avoid eye contact or any type if interaction with me if possible.  I am getting sighs and dirty looks for doing something as simple as saying good morning. To the best of my knowledge there have been no changes or incidences to cause this sudden change in behavior. Before this started we were very close, got along well and spent regular time together doing activities we both enjoyed. My husband and I have tried talking to the child about the behavior; that seems to help for a day or two.  We’ve tried ignoring the behavior; which seems to make it escalate. We are at the point of wanting to enforce some sort of discipline for being disrespectful and rude. I’m not sure if this will help or hurt the situation but things cannot continue this way, the behavior is affecting the entire family. Any advice would be welcomed.  Thank you!

Sincerely,

Michelle

Dear Michelle,

I am sure this is upsetting but I would avoid discipline, at least at the emotion.  First, I would try to look at the emotion behind the behavior and address that.  While you may be unaware of any change, it doesn’t mean there wasn’t one.  It may have been a piece of a passing conversation, a new understanding of an old problem as they mature or a sense of slight from his other parent.  It may be impossible to find the cause, even the child may be unable to pin point it but clearly there is upset.  I would go out of my way to validate the difficult emotions when there is a behavior.  When child rolls eyes, this sounds like, “I get you are frustrated with me, you don’t like what I just asked you to do.”  Without lecturing, this can be followed by a simple, “and I need you to do it now.”  The idea is to validate the emotion but follow through with the behavior.  It is a narrow road but if you move forward with discipline, it is along these lines.  Validate the emotions and discipline the related behaviors.  In the moment this would be starting with “I see you are grumpy this morning, I will try again later,” or “I know you are frustratted, let’s go back and try that again.”  You might also coach how the child can better display.  Rather than a dirty look to a “good morning” coach that they can say “I’m not awake yet.”  This coaching is best out of the moment, when all is well.

In all this coaching avoid putting pressure on the individual relationship.  Rather than saying “you and I are family and you will treat me with respect,” go more global, “that is an unfriendly way to say good morning, it would be nicer to say…”  Focus on coaching how to speak to people in general, how to be kind, how to carry conversation rather than pressuring the relationship.

I would also make every effort to have child spend individual time connecting with each parent.  No need to make an announcement but think at least weekly each of you are spending a bit of time.  This can be a trip to the grocery store if you are focused on conversation and spending the time together.  You might also read about and practice Greenspan’s talk time as presented in Playground Politics.  This is a book about social and emotional development through the grade school years and highlights the importance of children having open talk time as they move out of Floortime.  It’s an interesting way to open up conversations and emotions.

If you decide to go more specific at the discipline, I would initially make it a whole family effort.  Sit and talk with everyone about how you are going to make an effort to be kinder and gentler with each other in communicating even when people are upset.  Make it an effort in your marriage and in the parent-child relationships.  If there are consequences for negative tones and words, this goes for all.  Likely more success here is it is a global effort rather than a narrow focus.  I would look to discipline more specifically only if all this fails.  I hope this helps!

Sincerely,

Dr. Rene

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