So much of parents’ frustration stems from children not listening or following directions. Like any other social skill, this is something that can be encouraged and taught.
- Model – When you are in conversation with your children, or when they are asking you questions, it’s helpful to really listen. This may be putting down your book or your phone. This may be giving more eye contact and providing more conversation back. Really listen yourself.
- Have their attention first – Before you speak, it is helpful to have their attention first. This might be saying their name, touching their arm, getting on their level, or making eye contact. Like, how teachers might flick the lights or ring a bell.
- Engage and reflectively listen – This is active listening. In conversation, it’s reflecting back the things you hear. “Wow, that must have hurt your feelings.” It’s occasionally summarizing or checking in for understanding. “You really got it,” or, “that seems like it would be confusing. Were you confused?” It might be just adding words for punctuation, “horrible!” This may also be asking for more detail or asking a question to encourage them to continue. All of this requires that you keep up.
- Encourage real conversation – So often, we spend our time telling children where to go and what to do. We tend to be really boring. If you want kids to listen more, you might need to vary your conversation and talk about more interesting things. You might engage them in conversation about their favorite activities. You might ask about their friendships or collections. You might open conversations to bigger topics like politics and religion (in age appropriate, non-lecturing, ways).
- Provide an answer either way – When children ask a question or make a comment, it is good to give a response as best you can.
- Read aloud everyday – Listening to stories encourages children to listen in general. You might occasionally ask them about the stories they hear. You might encourage them to tell their own stories or consider if a character had made a different decision. Books on tape, CDs and Audibles all count to build listening skills.
- Avoid repeating yourself – When you are asking your child to do something, avoid repeating yourself. The idea is the more you repeat, “put on your shoes,” you are teaching them to tune you out. Here is a blog post about how to not repeat yourself.
- Give positive directions – This is saying, “walking feet,” or, “slow down,” rather than, “no running,” or, “don’t run.” This is saying, “ask for a turn,” or, “wait for a turn,” rather than, “no grabbing,” or, “don’t grab.” Here is a blog post about positive directions.
- Give a direction with just a word or two – When you can, this might be, “bed,” or, “sit here,” or, “quiet.”
- Give a visual cue with the direction – This can be as simple as a point in the right direction, or as much as drawing them a picture of the thing you are asking them to do. This can add emphasis to the direction or give a visual reminder when you draw a picture.
- Cook, bake, make craft kits or model cars together – Highlight the importance in each of following the directions. Helpful to have a written list, discuss it before and check directions off as you go.
- Read about it
- Listen and Learn by Meiners
- Howard B. Wigglebottom Learns to Listen by Binkow
- Listen Buddy by Lester
- Lacey Walker Non-Stop Talker
- Worst Day of My Life Ever by Cook
- Play listening games
- What Animal? What Sport? – You pick one, and they ask questions to figure it out.
- 20 Questions – You pick a person, place or thing, and they ask yes/no questions to figure it out.
- Simon Says – You give lots of directions starting with “Simon says…,” that they follow. You surprise them with a direction that leaves out the “Simon says…,” and they should really listen and not follow it.
- Freeze Dance – Music plays, and when you turn it off, they freeze like a statue.
- Animal Dance – Music plays, and you call out what animal to move like.
- Robot – You are the programmer, and they are the robot. You give one specific direction at a time to move them through an activity.
- Crazy Directions – At the playground, you might say to a 4 year old, “run to the bridge, jump across the bridge, touch the red tricycle and crawl back.” You can repeat this and then say “ready, go!” and see if they can keep it in working order. If not, prompt them along, and you might try fewer directions the next time. If they can, maybe give an additional direction the next time.
- Play listening board games
- “Hullabaloo” by Cranium (audio not DVD version)
- “Guess Who?” by Hasbro
- “Noodleboro Pizza Palace Listening game”
- “Mystery Garden” by Ravensburger
- “Look Who’s Listening” board game
- “6 Speaking and Listening Board Games”
- For any board game, you might read the directions (at least the highlights) together before you play. Refer back to them as needed while you play, and talk about the importance of following the directions.
Parenting by Dr. Rene 