Search Results for: reading

Ideas for Reading Aloud with Young Children

mother and child reading

The Department of Education cites reading aloud with children as the number one way to build successful readers. The goal is reading aloud to children for a minimum of 20 minutes a day in order to build a love of stories and books. Reading aloud with very young children can be a challenge.

Here are a few tips to keep it going:

  • Start from day one and build it into your routine – The idea is to start reading aloud early, before you think they are really listening. Make it a habit from the beginning. Books offer a well edited version of the language which is beneficial for young children to hear.
  • As an alternative, spend time just looking at, labeling and talking about pictures together – As your baby is a little older, they might not have the patience for listening to stories. It is beneficial to share time with books in other ways.  Spend time looking at the pictures together, point to and label objects, have them find new objects. It’s fine to just look for and label colors, or tell pieces of stories in your own words as well.
  • Read aloud daily even if they aren’t paying much attention – Once your toddler is up and moving around, they might not want to sit long enough for a story. Let’s say you try to read, and they are up and down to play with toys. At least occasionally, the answer is to stay seated yourself and continue to read aloud. They are in the room so they’re still hearing the language. You are also modeling reading aloud.
  • Read aloud when you have a captive audience – Read aloud when riding in the car, or when you are waiting in line at the grocery store and they are buckled into the cart.
  • Share more active books – Introducing lift-the-flap books, puppet books, pop-up books and picture search books can increase their interest.
  • Go for books based on their interests – Okay, this is an obvious one but if they love trains, go for train books often.
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Ideas for Reading Aloud with Older Children

Leisure time for mother and daughter

The Department of Education encourages parents to read aloud to their children 20 minutes a day at a minimum. The idea is to read aloud to them for longer stretches and more often as you are able. It’s also suggested that you continue to read aloud to your children long passed the time you thought they’d listen. Children who read aloud through high school do better on Verbal SATs than those that read to aloud through middle school, and those who read through middle school better than those that do through grade school.

I know most parents reduce their reading aloud time as children become more fluent, independent readers. The trick is to give time for both. When my older daughter wanted time to read to herself, we added that to the bedtime routine rather than replacing our read aloud time. So they got 20 minutes of read aloud, and an additional 20 minutes of reading books independently.

There are lots of good ideas to help read aloud continue:

  • Keep it part of the daily routine – This way you don’t have to find the time each day, it’s already there. It also makes it expected. If you stop reading aloud for a long stretch of time, children may be more hesitant or think “it’s for babies” when you try to start again.
  • Let your children pick the books – At any age, it is helpful if children feel they have some choice in the matter. Letting them pick the books is an easy way to give this. When the girls were little, I’d read the same books 20 nights in a row if that’s what they picked. Now we take turns choosing chapter books. I almost always pick a classic because they never do.
  • Take turns reading aloud – Once they are fluent readers, it can be nice to take turns during this read aloud time.
  • Occasionally read more active participation books – This might be a fill in the blank book or a quiz book. This might be something along the lines of the Choose Your Own Adventure series that let the reader make plot decisions throughout the book.
  • Shake up the types of books – As they are older, some children are drawn to biographies or sports books, others to how-to books or articles from magazines.  You might also try poetry or plays. Any reading is fine.
  • Read picture books longer – Once you start chapter books, it’s good to include picture books occasionally. There are so many picture books that really are aimed at older kids. You might try Stripes or Mr. Peabody’s Apples.
  • Occasionally, read their homework aloud – Not often as they need to be doing this reading, but I think it’s fine once in a while to read their homework aloud. I’ve done this, especially when they are struggling with a topic or the reading seems particularly dry to them.

Any other ideas? Please share them here!

Holiday Reading Tips

I’d like to share a few of our holiday traditions that revolve around reading. We’ve compiled a stack of 25 Christmas themed picture books. Each night, starting on the first of the month we include one in our read aloud time before bed. On the night of the 25th, we read what was their favorite The Sweet Smell of Christmas by Scarry.

Each Christmas morning there are three new books for each child under the tree. I recognize they quickly get set aside for the toys and tech gadgets, but I think it is important to have books be a piece of the gift exchange. As they’ve gotten older, we’ve branched out with more reading related gifts. This includes book marks, box sets, a writing journal, magazine subsriptions (thanks grandpa!) and now a kindle. I recently read a suggestion to wrap one book and leave it on the child’s bed, so the first thing they open on Christmas morning is a new book. For you last minute shoppers,  http://www.bookswithbows.com/DanaHome.asp is an online service that sends your loved one a book-a-month based on the categories you select.

You might also check these great holiday reading tips from Reading Is Fundamental  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTgEorSmd7o&feature=youtu.be. In this clip, Dr. Judy Cheatham reviews tips to build a love of reading over the holidays. Enjoy!

Interest in Reading?

Dear Dr. Rene,
My second grader is a pretty good reader. She is making progress in her reading group at school but still doesn’t love books the way I loved books when I was little. I was always buried in books and had a great love of reading. Is there something more I should be doing? Might this love still develop?
Sincerely, Laura
Mom of two, ages seven and four

Hi Laura,
It is great she is making progress in her reading group and hopefully she is on the path to be a book worm.

The first thing to know is she is still learning to read. At second grade they are still teaching phonics and patterns and rules of reading. It may be that she is still so focused on the details and the effort of reading that she isn’t yet at a point to relax and just enjoy the story. Many children fall into loving the stories when reading to themselves a few years later.

There are several things you can do in the meantime. The first is read aloud to your children EVERYDAY. Read aloud for the love of reading, discuss the stories you read over dinner, read long and often. Read a wide variety, things they choose and things you choose. The goal is 20 minutes a day and this isn’t time to be quizzing comprehension or testing phonics, just build a love of reading and story. The National Education Association points to reading aloud as the best way to build successful readers.

Read aloud long past the point you thought you would. Children read to aloud through high school do better on verbal SATs than read to aloud through middle school and through middle school better than through grade school. Now, I know, to many parents the idea of reading aloud through high school sounds awkward, but it won’t be if you just never give it up. And be creative, if they are readers take turns by page or pick characters for each person to read about.

Also, make books available. Think books on every level of the house and some stashed in the car. Let kids stay up a little late if they are reading. Take them to browse the bookstore and the library often. Join a children’s book club. Make family projects or plan family outings based on the things they read. If you read Blueberries for Sal, make blueberry muffins. Make it fun! The love of reading should follow.
Sincerely,
Dr. Rene
blog@parentingplaygroups.com

>Recommended Reading List

>Discipline
Positive Discipline by Nelsen
Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Bailey
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Faber & MazlishThe Discipline Book by Sear & Sears
Unconditional Parenting by Kohn
No More Meltdowns (on tantrums) by Baker
And Of Course – Eight Weeks to Positive Discipline by Hackney

Self-Esteem
Your Child’s Self-Esteem (love this) by Briggs
The Optomistic Child by Seligman
Positive Pushing by Taylor

Gender Issues
Why Gender Matters (way interesting) by Sax
Raising Cain (boys) by Kindlon & Thompson
Reviving Ophelia (pre-adolescent girls) by Pipher & Ross
Queen Bees and Wanna Bees (pre-adolscent girls) by Wiseman

Siblings
Siblings Without Rivalry (fabulous, for everyone with more than one child) by Faber & Mazlish

Emotional Development
First Feelings by Greenspan
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by Gottman, Declaire & Goleman
Emotional Development in Young Children (research heavy) by Denham
The Development of Emotional Competence (research heavy) by Saarni

Potty Training
The Everything Potty Training Book (like because a wide range approach) by Sonna

Social Development
Raise Your Child’s Social IQ (local author) by Cohen
The Friendship Factor (research heavy) by Rubin

Education Issues
A Mind at a Time by Levine
You Are Your Child’s First Teacher by Dancy & Baldwin

Development
Touchpoints Birth to 3 OR 3 to 6 by Brazelton
The Preschool Years by Galinsky & David
Your One Year Old (series through Six) by Ames
The Children’s Hospital Guide to Your Child’s Health and Development

Sleep (and these are all over the place)
Sleeping Through the Night by Mindell
The No Cry Sleep Solution by Pantley
Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems by Ferber
Good Night, Sleep Tight by West & Kenen
Heathy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Weissbluth

Mealtimes
How to Get Your Kids to Eat But Not Too Much by Satter
OR Child of Mine by Satter
Dr. Paula’s Good Nutrition Guide by Elbrit

TV
Into the Minds of Babes (on screentime – local author) by Guernsey

Others
The Hurried Child by Elkind
Last Child in the Woods by Louv
The New Peoplemaking by Satir
The Over-Scheduled Child by Rosenfeld & Wise
The Trouble with Perfect by Guthrie & Matthews
The Out-Of-Sync Child (on sensory issues) by Kranowitz
The Power of Parent-Child Play by Sargent
Too Much of a Good Thing (on overindulgence) by Kindlon

Encouraging Children’s Empathy

Adorable girl comforting her little sister after she fell off her bike at summer park. Child getting hurt while riding a bicycle.

Empathy is the understanding of or sensitivity to others feelings and experiences. It is a developing trait across childhood and can greatly vary between children based on age, predisposition and experiences. There are several ways parents can coach the component pieces of emotion language and perspective taking.

Coach Emotion Language – Children being able to identify emotions in facial expressions, social context and in themselves is a strong foundation for empathy towards others. Here are several ways to coach emotions.

  • Use I messages – I messages are a productive way to label and share your emotions. They are also considered a foundation step of positive discipline. I messages label your emotions and explain why you feel that way while putting blame on the behavior or thing that happened rather than the child. Let’s say a child runs through the living room, and knocks over and breaks your lamp. An I message might be, “I am angry, my lamp is broken,” “I am upset, people are running in the house,” or, “I am frustrated, no one is listening.” The blame is passive (my lamp is broken) or global (no one is listening, people are running). This avoids blaming the child, “I am mad at you, you broke my lamp. You never listen.”
  • Give empathy – Empathy is validating your child’s emotions and why they feel that way. Often this can happen in the moment, and it’s also fine to provide this following an emotional exchange when all is calm. Empathy sounds like, “wow, you are angry. You didn’t like that game,” or, “I know you are upset, it’s so hard to be left out.”
  • Talk about others’ emotions – Discuss the sad baby you hear crying in the grocery store or the angry child who was having a fit at the playground. Label emotions, talk about things that make them feel that way or what others could do to help.
  • Be sure to include causes and consequences of emotions – At least occasionally in these conversations, discuss what came before the emotion or what happened as a result.
  • Read about emotions – There are so many good children’s books on emotions. There is a list on my blog at https://parentingbydrrene.wordpress.com/childrensbooks/#emotions.
  • Tell your own stories with emotional content – If you are at all creative, tell your own stories with emotional content. When our girls were little, we told a lot of Amy and Catie stories. Amy was remarkably like our daughter Alicen, and Catie just like our daughter Claire. If Alicen and Claire had an upset at the swingset, that night Amy and Katie would have a similar upset at the sandbox. Your stories should all provide examples of positive ways to manage and express emotions and ways to calm.
  • Ask hypotheticals – As children are four and five years old, you can ask hypotheticals related to their own experiences. If your child gets angry over sharing toys, you might ask, “what would you do if you really wanted to play with a particular car, and your friend was using it and kept saying ‘no’ to giving a turn?” If needed, help brainstorm good choices and discuss possible outcomes.
  • Role play emotions – Go back and reenact emotional situations. If it was an upset with another child, take turns being each child involved and think of ways it could have gone better.
  • Give puppet shows – Most kids love a puppet show. Again, it’s good to make these about familiar exchanges.
  • Play emotion charades – Play charades, just be sure to include emotions as a category.
  • Make emotion faces in the mirror and to each other – Talk about how we know someone is angry, excited, sad or happy.
  • Make an emotions poster – Divide a poster board into 6 squares labeled happy, sad, excited, mad, surprised and scared. Provide assorted magazines, then help children cut out and paste emotion faces and things that make them feel each way. You might write in each box additional things that make them feel that way or any other thoughts they have about that emotion.
  • Listen to and discuss emotional music – Listen together to sad, exciting or happy music. Then, talk about what each song makes them think of and how it makes them feel.
  • Paint emotion pictures – You might paint emotion posters while you listen to the emotional music.
  • Sing emotion songs – We sing “When You’re Happy and You Know It” and include movements like clapping for happy, stomping feet for mad and crying for sad.
  • Learn more – For more ideas, you can read Building Emotional Intelligence: Techniques to Cultivate Inner Strength in Children by Lantieri or Parents’ Guide to Emotion Coaching Young Children by Blaine.

(Again) Provide Empathy for Their Emotions – The more they are hearing the labels for their own emotions, the more likely they are able to apply this language to others. Empathy is often a good place to start in a discipline exchange or when helping them learn to manage social conflicts. Just acknowledging emotions as they are, lets the child know that you hear and understand them. Remember, it’s often empathy before the discipline or empathy before the fix.

Coach Perspective Taking – Perspective taking is being able to see a situation from another child’s point of view. This is limited in the preschool years. Young children are often still so egocentric in their view, it is hard to step out and consider another’s experience. You might introduce this when you and the child are disagreeing or feel differently about the same topic. At bedtime, maybe talk about how you are happy and looking forward to sleep and they are annoyed and wanting to put off sleep. You might point out differing feelings or opinion as part of addressing when they are in conflict with another child.

Children’s Books – Reading and discussing books can be a great way to teach social skills.

Here are a few good children’s books about empathy:

  • How Full is Your Bucket for Kids by Rath
  • I am Human: A Book of Empathy by Verde and Reynolds
  • You, Me and Empathy by Sanders
  • Empathy: I Know How You Feel by George
  • Stand in My Shoes by Sornsen

Here are a few good children’s books that introduce perspective taking:

  • Voices in the Park by Browne
  • They All Saw a Cat by Wenzel
  • 7 Blind Mice by Young
  • You Are (Not) Small by Kang

Schedule Playdates with Younger Children – Occasionally playing with a younger child can bring out caring and empathy from an older child. You might label emotions when they happen. You might suggest the older child help the younger child with tasks or teach them how to do something. You might highlight how considerate or helpful your older child was after the playdate.

Provide Other Oriented Consequences – In discipline or when supporting social exchanges, it can be helpful to include other oriented consequences. This is pointing out a child’s impact on others. “Look at your friend. He is sad. Grabbing that toy made him sad.” or “She doesn’t like that. Hitting hurts her.” The idea is to let your child know their behavior had an impact on the others while avoiding direct blame language. This basically means to highlight their behavior and avoid using the word “you.”

Provide Do-Overs – When it seems appropriate, it may be helpful to allow the child a do-over, a chance to improve their behavior or make a better choice instead of always giving a consequence. The do-over allows the child to really consider alternatives ways to change outcomes.

Highlight Deeds as Personal Traits – I’ve written often about using descriptive praise. When you are praising a child’s behavior, academics or athletics it can be helpful to describe the behavior and label. This may be “You handed a block. That was helpful.” Or “You wrote five sentences. That’s a lot of work!” There is new research to suggest it is helpful to occasionally highlight their trait rather than give a straight label. This would be “You handed a block. You are being helpful,” or “You are a helpful person.” And “You wrote five sentences. You are a hard worker!” Highlighting the trait may give the child more personal ownership. It may be more likely they carry that self descriptor with them to influence future behaviors. They may be more likely to think of themselves as a helper or a hard worker. When it comes to encouraging empathy, it would be commenting often about how kind, considerate, thoughtful or friendly they are.

Answers to Overscheduling

Calendar and to do lists hanging on refrigerator

Parenting often involves a whole lot of scheduling. It’s your own schedule, it’s their school and activities schedule, their playdates and homework or screen time. It is a lot to juggle.

  • Get a Master Calendar – We have a desk size calendar on our dining room table and have each year since our oldest was six. It has our work schedules, school events, parties, weekend plans and vacations. For a while, it had playdates then homework hours. The kids chore chart is right beside the calendar.
  • An hour a day of downtime – If your family’s schedule always seems full, an hour of downtime a day, every day, may be the first thing to put on the calendar. Downtime for children is truly unstructured, go-play time. It is not time on screens and not full of activities that you provide. It’s a time for them to make their own plans. Ideally it’s a full hour at a time, but it’s okay to break it up when you have to.
  • Consider limits – There are so many pulls on our time. It can be helpful to at least consider limits on screen time, set times for homework (even if it varies throughout the week, at least it’s on the calendar), and have 20 minutes of reading and 20 minutes of being read to daily.

General guidelines – These are all for starters, meaning a good place to start, and then a child may be able to handle more or need to shift to less.

  • In Preschool – In the preschool years, consider only scheduling something fixed on days off. If your child is in school three days a week, maybe plan for two or three activities on the days off. For children in five full days, plan for just one other on Saturdays.
  • Starting Kindergarten – The transition to Kindergarten can be exhausting for children. It is a fast paced, academic environment with little downtime or rest. It may be helpful to lay low on other structured activities for the first month or two of Kindergarten.
  • In Elementary School – Plan for school plus two structured activities at a time. However, there are children who can handle far more and some that school is plenty. Two would men piano and soccer or boy scouts and swimming. It may be helpful to place these on Monday and Tuesday when they are more rested from the weekend, or on the weekend when the rest of the day is relaxed.
  • In Middle School – Plan for school plus three structured activities at a time. Also plan for one major activity and two minor activities at a time. Major activities would be a school sport or being a lead in a school play. These types of activities may meet four or five days a week.
  • Go for variety – For my own children, I encourage them to participate in something athletic and something musical at any given time. I’ve let them pick the instruments and sports, just encouraged them to go broad and try new things often. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests children not specialize in a year round sport until at least twelve years old.

Answers

  • Have a mission statement – When signing up for something, at least consider why you are enrolling and what you hope you or your child gets out of it.
  • Have the child help decide on activities – By about six or seven years old, I’d ask and take their answers in to account. For sure, when they start in the school band, they should pick the instrument. When they register for high school classes, they should have at least half the say if not more.
  • Also fine to have a few givens – In my house, everyone learns to swim. The option may be different in your house. Maybe it’s foreign language classes to be able to communicate with extended family. It is okay to decide some of this for them as well.
  • Make family time a priority – It may be helpful to put this on the calendar as well. Goals might include whole family time, doing something all together at least once a week. Couples time, a date night (even if it’s at home in front of the TV) at least twice a month. Individual pairs in the family, at least once a month.
  • Resist judging them at every turn – Children aren’t supposed to be good at anything. If they join the swim team, focus on enjoying the meets and asking questions to learn about their experience. Focus on their effort and process more than outcomes.

All About Time-Outs: Reservations and Guidelines

Waiting

First a disclaimer – I didn’t use time-outs with my own children. The preschool that I work at reserves time-outs only for when all else fails. As a formal approach, they haven’t used this in at least the last two years.

Not positive discipline – Time-outs are not considered positive discipline. It’s not included in most positive discipline books. If you are comparing it to positive discipline techniques, it’s most like logical negative consequences. The difference is, you aren’t supposed to marry time-outs with all the other techniques. When you use it, in the moment, it stands alone. Logical negative consequences are often used in conjunction with other techniques including empathy, positive intent and choices.

Behavior modification tool – Time-outs fall into another category of addressing behaviors. It is a behavior modification tool. This category includes rewards systems, token economies, behavior charts and 1-2-3 Magic. Several of the time-out guidelines below, I learned in a Behavior Modification course in grad school.

A position against – In No-Drama Discipline, Seigel and Bryson point out that discipline moments should be focused on teaching and connecting with a child. They report that often when parents use time-out it’s focused on punishing and disconnecting with a child. Their position is that the appropriate use of time-out includes “brief, infrequent, previously explained breaks from and interaction used as a part of a thought-out parenting strategy (with) positive feedback and connection with a parent” which can be an effective tool. Unfortunately, in practice, they see time-out more often used in an inappropriate way, which means it is “frequent, prolonged and done as a punishment (with) parental anger and frustration.” This misses out on the empathy and problem solving of positive discipline and can register to the child as rejection.

Maybe ineffective – There are studies on both sides of this. Some suggest it can be an effective tool, and others suggest parents using time-outs are treading water at best or making things worse. Here are guidelines to use it in a more effective way.

Guidelines

Time-out is meant to be a simple, consistent way to address behavior. It is an attention withdraw technique, meaning the consequence for the behavior is the withdraw of attention.

Define a spot – Before you get started, it is helpful to define a time-out spot in your house. This might be the bottom step of a stair case or an empty foyer. While it’s fine to have a time-out chair, you may have the added difficulty of the child sliding off the chair or pushing the chair around. The discipline isn’t sitting on a spot, it’s the withdraw of attention. Others caution against using the child’s bed or bedroom for time-outs. Some argue their bedroom is their space in the house and should have a positive connotation. Also, you want them to want to sleep in their bed. Some say it’s not the best place because their toys are there, and they’d enjoy playing during the time-out. I also get it when parents say, “our house is small,” or, “the bedroom is the only place we can contain him/her.” I’d suggest picking a boring spot. If the family lives in the kitchen, then the spot should not be there.

Target a behavior – Time-out works best to lessen a behavior, by targeting that behavior. This means you are using time-out only and consistently for that behavior. Parents who use it, tend to use it widely. They randomly apply it – pull the dog’s tail, time-out, hit your sister, time-out, spit on the floor, time-out. When randomly applied, it doesn’t tend to lessen any of the behaviors. Targeting means you pick one behavior, (maybe the worst or most persistent behavior) and you narrowly and consistently apply a time-out. You might decide hitting has gotten out of hand for this child so you decide, “we are going to use time-out for hitting, and only for hitting.” When hitting happens, there is a time-out. Not a threat of time-out or a countdown of behaviors towards a time-out, but hitting is followed by a time-out every time.

Three through ten years old – The books say three to ten years old. There’s a bullet point below on time-outs with younger children. I also tend to think the upper end is seven or eight years old. By ten years old, many children are thankful you are withdrawing attention.

One to two minutes per year and starting on the low end – With a four year old this means four to eight minutes per time-out. I’d start at the four minute mark, because when the timer dings, they need to be in the time-out spot and relatively quiet to get out. If not, if they are running around or screaming, you might set it for another minute. This can add up.

A timer not your watch – A timer is objective. Everyone can see it so there’s less debate. If it’s your watch, a child may worry that you will leave them there longer. If you are angry, you might. Your watch also drags you in to more debates. You end up having to say, “two more minutes,” and, “not time yet.” A timer, you can just point to.

Ten word rule – As a parent you are limited to ten words. This might be, “that hurt, time-out. Sit. Sit. No more, go play.” This means you don’t lecture on the way there or have big discussions immediately following. Time-outs are based on the withdraw of attention to curb behavior. All this talk is a lot of attention on the heels of the withdraw of attention which defeats your purpose. You shouldn’t have to explain why they are there, they are only there for one behavior. And, while you need to coach the wanted behaviors, (below) it’s best to do that out of the moment.

Little parental emotion – In the same direction, a big emotional response is giving attention. Yelling, glaring, stomping around give the behavior that power. In the moment, time-outs are meant to be a calm follow through for behavior. It’s meant to be cut and dry.

If your child won’t stay – You might increase your physical presence. They won’t stay in the foyer, stand just outside the foyer with your back to them. They won’t sit on a stair, sit just behind them, hands gently on their shoulders. That’s about it. If you find yourself wrestling with a child to keep them in time-out, it is not working for you. They have your full attention.

Preconference – This is an important piece, and it’s when you really lose two-year-olds. The preconference is explaining all this to your child just before you start using time-outs to address a behavior. You might call a family meeting and explain, “hitting has gotten out of hand in our house. We are going to use time-outs for hitting. Here is where you sit. Here is the timer, and this is how long it lasts. When the timer dings, if you stayed here and are relatively quiet, you can get out.” Say all this to a two year old and they’ve forgotten by the next day.

As an informal approach – Several parents have said, “we do time-outs, but it’s not all this.” It’s more, “you need a break. Go take a time-out.” or, “go to your room. When you are calm, you can rejoin us.” I think taking a break to calm down, for the child to collect themselves is often a good thing to do. If you are using time-outs to lessen a behavior, I wouldn’t also call this time-out. You might also teach the other ways to calm.

Younger children – You lose most two year olds with the preconference. They are often, not good at staying put for the follow through. I think it can be fine to occasionally fall back on the guidelines if a limit is needed. If a young two year old bites your arm, I think fine to say, “ouch, that hurts!” set them down and walk away for a minute as a consequence. Remember the time limits, the ten word rule and little emotion. If you need better ideas for introducing positive discipline with young children, read The Discipline Book by Sears and Sears.

Time-in – I like time-ins. This is a period of time, maybe a minute per year of life, that you give empathy, connect and coach the wanted behavior. If your four year old just grabbed a toy, you might have them sit with you and say “I know it is frustrating to wait for a turn,” and then coach ways to ask, role play asking, give a puppet show to model or draw a picture of it going well together. It is good to remember to coach the wanted behavior out of the moment as well.

 

 

 

Teaching Kids How to Take Another’s Perspective

Conflict on the playground. Two kids fighting over a toy shovel in the sandboxPerspective taking is very limited in young children. Like, how two-year-olds close their eyes to hide when playing hide and seek. The thought is, ‘if they can’t see themselves, you can’t see them.’ Three-year-olds stand in front of you and don’t realize you can’t see through them. Even four years olds get confused when you don’t already know things they think about or dream about.

Perspective taking and emotion understanding are foundation pieces of a developing sense of empathy. Being able to understand how another is feeling starts with understanding that the other exists separately, and then that they see and later think and feel differently.

By grade school, the hope is children have a basic understanding of others’ views, thoughts and emotions as separate from their own and important.

Ways to Teach

Other’s View – As a way to introduce differences in perspective taking, you might have each person stand on a different side of a statue or play structure and describe or draw what they see. You might also read and discuss Seven Blind Mice by Young. In this story, seven blind mice meet an elephant, and each mouse assumes it is something different based on the part of the elephant they can feel.

View of Artwork – You could visit an art museum and discuss how a painting makes each of you feel, or what a sculpture makes each of you think about. You might discuss how your perceptions might differ based on individual experiences.

Responses to Music – You could listen together and discuss the way it makes you each feel and why. You might talk about similarities and differences in what the lyrics mean to each of you.

Recognize Emotions – It can be helpful to label and discuss emotions often. This includes your’s, their’s and other’s emotions. When appropriate, you might discuss differences in emotional responses, both what the emotions are and different ways people express emotions.

Encourage Role Play – When children pretend to be a doctor, teacher, police officer, grandma or puppy they are stepping into another’s role. Encourage them to tell their story, to think about how they would feel in a situation or what they would do and why.

Ask Questions to Find Out More – This might be encouraging your child to ask a tour guide a question at a museum or to ask a friend a question about his new puppy. Let your child know that asking others questions is a good way to find out more about all kinds of things. In our social skills groups, we take turns having one child sit in a chair to answer questions about a favorite toy, activity or pet. Others sitting on the floor take turns asking questions to learn more.

Play Can You Imagine – After a birthday party you might ask, “can you imagine if you were the only girl at that party? How would it be different?” About school, “can you imagine being the youngest kid in all your classes?” or, “can you imagine being a new kid in the middle of the school year? It might be tough to make new friends when everyone else already knows each other.” or, “can you imagine how hard it might be if you still had difficulty with reading?” The point is to put your child in a place to think about the challenges others face. There are countless options here.

Story Books – There are several children’s storybooks that may be helpful in the discussions about perspective taking, other’s emotions and impact on others.

  • How Full Is Your Bucket for Kids by Rath – A nice way to introduce impact on others and how behaviors shape feelings.
  • Stand in My Shoes by Sornson – A good introduction to viewing other’s emotions.
  • What if Everybody Did That by Javernick – A light way to look at the impact of negative behaviors.
  • Everyone by Neal – How we all share similar emotions.
  • They All Saw a Cat by Wenzel – How “perspective shapes what we see.”
  • Seven Blind Mice by Young – An introduction to perspective taking.

Conflicts in Story Books – Many children’s storybooks contain some type of conflict. When characters are in conflict you might discuss how the various characters view the conflict, why they view it the way they do, and how they might be feeling about it.

Freezing, Comparing and Coaching through Conflicts – After a bit of practice in storybooks, you might freeze your children in or follow conflict moments to discuss how each viewed the conflict, why they had their view, and how each was feeling during. This works best when emotions aren’t too high or later, once everyone is calm.

Discuss Other’s Efforts, Progress and Struggles – This includes pointing out a soccer teammate’s hard work, a classmate’s study habits or a friend’s working through their own conflict. This isn’t meant as pressure on your child, just a comment that they aren’t alone in the process.

Acknowledge Their Reasons in Conflict with You – This may be the most difficult on the list; it can be helpful to occasionally acknowledge their point of view during disagreements. This reflective listening tends to validate their side, let them know you are listening. This might be, “I hear you really want that. All of your friends have one and  it seems like you feel left out.” or, “you really don’t like what I just said. I get that it is upsetting. You want it the other way.” You might use this to check in by asking, “am I understanding this correctly?” You might also ask them to identify or rephrase your point.

Talk through Your Own Conflicts and Point Out the Various Sides – When your children see you in conflict, it can be helpful to step back and explain the various sides. Model looking at the problem from various perspectives and including that information in how you solve the problem.

 

 

Ways to Encourage Confidence in the Classroom from Home

Teacher with children in kindergarten

Build a broad base of knowledge – When the teacher talks about a new topic in class, it’s helpful if your child has a fund of related knowledge. There are several ways to build this.

  • Focus on building your child’s vocabulary – A child’s vocabulary scores are often reflective of their overall cognitive scores. A rich vocabulary supports confidence in the classroom and reading comprehension.
  • Lots of outings – Everywhere you take your child, you are exposing them to new vocabulary and information. While museums, art galleries and nature walks are great, the beach, pumpkin patches and sports outings also count. Be sure you are answering questions and talking to your child about all they are seeing and doing at each.
  • Read aloud everyday – Aside from being cited as the single most important factor in building successful readers, reading aloud builds a child’s vocabulary and broadens their base of knowledge.

Play school – You might play school at home and encourage your child to be the teacher. During this game they can teach you about any topics they are learning in school.

Playdates with classmates – The more they know and are comfortable with classmates, the more likely they are to be comfortable speaking in front of them. It can be helpful to arrange playdates with a wide range of children from their classes.

Challenges in play – If your child is building a tower, you might challenge them to build it taller or think of two new ways to build the base. When children have a lot of practice at taking on challenges in play, they are more likely to do the same in the classroom. When the teacher says, “who can do this problem on the board?” they are a little more likely to raise their hand and try.

Encourage risk taking in moderation – Children have to take risks to learn to ride a bike. It can be a risk to stand up in front of the class and speak. Encouraging a healthy level of risk taking in play and in life can help them feel confident to participate in class. This might be jumping off something at the park that’s a little higher than the last time or holding just one hand not two for balance.

Ask about school – It can be helpful to shake up the questions you ask after school. If everyday you ask, “how was your day?” Kids tend to give the easy answer, “fine.” There are hundreds of other questions you could ask. Here are a few related to participation and confidence:

  • “Was there anything really hard to do today?” and, “how did you figure it out?”
  • “What did you learn about in science class today?” and, “did you already know anything about that or was it all new?”
  • “Did you have to work in groups today?” and, “how did it go?”
  • “Did you raise your hand and answer any questions today?”

School skills in real life – If your second grader is learning how to count money, carry cash and let them be your banker. Let them count the money to and from cashiers. For a seventh grader learning to calculate percentages, have them figure out the tip at restaurants.

Teach flexible thinking – Flexible thinking includes teaching kids to brainstorm ideas or solutions and think about the range of related outcomes. This might be encouraging children to come up with a plan B when their first plan doesn’t work. You might practice plan A vs. plan B for small issues often. You can also teach flexible thinking by playing games like Gobblet, Connect Four and Labrynith which require players to make new strategies often.

Encourage persistence – When a child is stuck, you might give a bit of empathy and ask them questions or give them hints to help them move forward. You might help them break the task down into smaller pieces. I’d also highlight the benefits of practice and that the more they try, the more likely they are to solve and the easier it may seem the next time.

Focus praise on effort, process and progress more than outcomes – When a child gets a good grade, it can be helpful to focus your language on how much they studied and how hard they worked. When they win a race, focus on how often they practiced and how much they’ve improved their time.

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