siblings

When a Two Year Old Hits

Asian Chinese little sisters struggle for blocks

This may be a two-year-old being aggressive with their older siblings, or a child in a two’s program hitting classmates. I tend to think there are three (long run, four) parts to the answer:

Coach being gentle

  1. You might read Hands are Not for Hitting by Aggasi, No Hitting by Katz, No More Hitting for Little Hamster by Ford and Baby Be Kind by Fletcher.
  2. You can teach “hands down,” by playing Simon Says and every third or fourth direction be “Simon says, ‘hands down,'” and encouraging them to put their hands by their sides. Or, play Freeze Dance with the direction “hands down” when the music stops.
  3. You can provide a visual cue by taking a picture of them with their hands down by their sides and show this to them when you remind them to, “keep your hands down.” This might be a reminder in general when they go to play, or your warning language if you see the behavior coming.
  4. You might practice a “gentle touch” or “nice touch” when you greet each other.
  5. Be sure to praise occasionally when they remember to be gentle, “you gave your friend a nice hug. That was gentle!”
  6. You might show and tell them about ways to give high fives, shake hands, give a gentle hug or hold hands, and praise when they do it gently.

Coach the triggers – The first step to being able to coach triggers is to identify them. It may be helpful to keep notes about the aggressive behaviors for a few days, be sure to note what sparked the behavior. This might be being told, “no,” having to share toys, getting the wrong color cup or rough house play that went too far. Coaching out of the moment might be role playing related scenarios, giving puppet shows, drawing a picture of the situation going well, providing a visual cue or reading related children’s storybooks. Here is a post about coaching wanted behaviors. The goal of coaching is to encourage wanted behaviors over time.

It may be helpful to listen to my free online workshop on coaching wanted behaviors.

Discipline in the moment

  1. A little attention to the victim first – Avoid looking at or talking first to the child who was just aggressive. Look and speak to the other saying something like, “I am so sorry. Are you okay?” or, “ouch, that hurts! Do you need a hug?”
  2. As a parent, I tend to think the next step should be a logical negative consequence. Logical negative consequences are an imposed, related outcome. If they hit over a toy, they lose the toy for some amount of time. If they push for a particular seat on the couch, they are off the couch for that day. If there was no context, just a drive by, you might have them separate. This may be playing in another room or sitting out for a turn.
  3. Once this is served, it is good to either go back with a sentence of emotion or better choices. Also, it would be helpful to make a mental note of the trigger, so you can coach later.

The fourth long run answer is coaching emotion language and empathy. I say long run because, two-year-olds aren’t expected to have much in the way of emotion language and tend to have a very limited sense of others. Since they are not well versed, it is good to include emotion language and impact on others in the moment. This would be, “I know you are frustrated. You wanted that toy.” and, “wow, your friend is sad. Grabbing his toy made him feel sad.” Out of the moment, helpful to coach these things as well.

With all of this, remember you are talking to a two-year-old. This means when you are coaching or disciplining you only get a few short sentences.

 

When Children Argue, Build Their Skills

Zwei Kinder streiten sich

So often when children argue, parents intervene and solve the issue. Two children are arguing over a toy, a parent enters and decides who gets the toy and what the other child should do while they wait. Or, two children are arguing over who goes first, a parent comes in and picks which one while giving empathy or direction to the other.

When parents intervene and fix, the children are missing out on a golden opportunity to learn the skills needed to solve such social conflicts. Rather than intervene and fix, it should be intervene and teach the needed skills.

When children are arguing, a good first steps is often empathy all around. If my girls are arguing over a ball I might start with, “I know you are both frustrated, I could hear you from down the hall. You both want that toy.” This also teaches children to start with empathy which is often helpful.

Teach them to listen to each other’s words. This might be, “Did you hear your brother? He said, ‘stop.’ What does that mean to you?” or, “I heard her screaming. She clearly doesn’t like that.” You are reinforcing the other’s words to each child. Often, by the time children are arguing, they aren’t listening well.

If needed, teach them to speak up for themselves.  Many children are all over this one, they speak up for themselves quite well. If your child is on the quiet side, you might have to coax some words out of them or give them some words to say, so they can at least hold their own. You might follow this up with reinforcing their new words to the other. It can be helpful to teach your child to use an assertive voice in conflicts.

Once they feel understood or heard, the next step is to help them focus on solutions. You might ask them each to give an idea, or you might suggest a few ideas and discuss. You might teach them to weigh their options and negotiate together. The goal is to give them ways to find solutions and work through the issue together, rather than giving them the solution. This may take time and effort; it may take more empathy. It may also include taking a break and coming back to problem solving once children are calm.

If the problem solving process continues to be difficult, you might step back and coach them to be more flexible thinkers. These ideas for teaching flexible thinking are best done out of the moment, when all are calm.

  • Brainstorm options – Out of the moment of conflict, teach them how to brainstorm. This can be saying, “we don’t have time for bath tonight. Let’s think of three ways to you can get clean before school tomorrow.” Answers might include taking a quick shower, using a washcloth at the sink or taking a bath in the morning. On a game night you might say, “everyone wants to play different games. Let’s think of three ways we can settle this.” Answers might include one game each night for three nights, starting early or playing Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide. When brainstorming, it is fine to include funny or crazy answers.
  • Plan A/Plan B – You might model Plan A/Plan B language several times before you ask them to problem solve this way. You might say, “we were supposed to run three errands today, but we only got to two, and we are running out of time. That was our Plan A, and we need a Plan B.”
  • Big problem/Little problem – It can be helpful to have children decide what are big problems, and what are little problems. In our house big problems may take a few days to solve, or several people. A few days later, someone might be upset. Little problems might only take one or two people, and a little while to solve. No one is upset about it a day later. Point out big problems and little problems in life. Then have children try to categorize their own problems.
  • Play games that require flexible thinking and discuss – This includes Labyrinth (by Ravensburger), Gobblet, Connect Four and Rush Hour Jr.. In all of these games, players have a plan and then it gets knocked out, and they have to make another plan. This may happen several times in each game. While you play, at least occasionally point out having to make a new plan or come up with new solutions.

When children are able to work through arguments, be sure to give them descriptive praise for their efforts, negotiation, flexibility or cooperation. Here is a post about descriptive praise.

How Your Own Sibling Relationships Can Impact Your Children’s Sibling Relationships

 

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Me and Rodney 1975

 

I’ll admit, I am about to way oversimplify an issue about complex family dynamics. There are people who spend years in therapy unraveling the impact from the next few points. That said, there are some fairly obvious ways your own sibling relationships, from growing up and from current exchange, can impact your children’s sibling relationships. While it may not be as direct in your family, still worth stepping back and checking the big picture.

Your expectations from childhood – How you got along with your siblings can shape your expectations for how your children will get along. My brother and I got along great, and I expected my children would get along. My husband and his siblings, not so much. He is still surprised by the way our children get along.

Your current sibling relationships – Through your current sibling relationships you are modeling how to treat and interact with siblings. How much you keep in touch, how you greet each other, the time you spend together and how you move through disagreements are all modeling to children about sibling relationships.

How you speak to and about your siblings – How you speak to and about your siblings, models to children how to speak to and about their siblings. If you put down your siblings, complain about them, or critique their decisions often, it opens the door for this to be how they speak to and about their siblings.

Your tolerance for behaviors shaped by what you experienced – A mother of three was teary-eyed asking how to stop her children from bickering. Her question started, “I just can’t take their bickering. There was constant bickering in my house growing up…” Yes, healthy goal for her children to bicker less. Also healthy to recognize some level of bickering is normal, and to find ways to lessen her carried-over stress about the remainder.

 

Tips to Encourage Sibling Relationships

Sweet Little Boy Kisses His Baby Sister in a Rustic Ranch Setting at the Pumpkin Patch.

So often when I write about siblings, it’s about how to best manage the bickering and the fighting or how to get them to stop grabbing toys from each other. Happily, this post is about ways to encourage their relationships!

  • Teach social skills in general – If your children have difficulty taking turns or grabbing toys from each other, avoid putting pressure on their individual relationship by saying things like, “you need to take turns with your brother.” Rather teach them about turn taking in general and let the skill trickle down to their relationship. Keep your language on the behavior, “when you want a turn, you need to ask first.” For creative ways to teach social skill, read https://parentingbydrrene.com/2014/08/15/12-ways-to-coach-good-behaviors/.
  • Encourage listening to others – If your children have difficulty listening to each other, it can be helpful to reinforce their words to each other. This would be saying “did you hear her?  She said, ‘stop that!’ What does that mean to you.” or, “I heard him say that he doesn’t like being poked. That means you should stop.” For creative ways to teach listening, read https://parentingbydrrene.com/2012/02/18/teach-them-to-listen/.
  • Coach positive ways to handle conflicts – When there is a conflict, help children to brainstorm solutions and weigh their options.  Teach them to empathize with the other.
  • Find low pressure activities they can share – If they enjoy working on puzzles together, doings arts and crafts or kicking a ball back and forth, encourage it often.
  • Plan for time together and time apart – It’s fine to give them breaks from each other as well.  It can be helpful for kids to have time during the day that they can play alone in their rooms, or have an activity that doesn’t have to be shared.
  • Allow sleepovers – We allow sleepovers as often as they’d like.  When the girls moved from toddler beds to big kids beds, we got them each a trundle so they could easily have sleepovers with each other.
  • Encourage them to help each other and highlight when they do – In my family, we talk often about helping each other. It became a given that when someone asks for help, you help as much as you can. We highlight and appreciate when family members are helpful.
  • Avoid pitting them in competition – I am a firm believer in teaching kids to manage competition, and am fine with siblings playing board games and backyard sports.  Bigger sports competition should be with peers. Also avoid daily doses of competition such as, “let’s see who can get dressed first. Ready, go!” Rather, pit them in a cooperative effort, “let’s see if you can help each other get dressed before me.”
  • Offer cooperative efforts – This can be cooking together or building pillow forts. There are cooperative effort board games like Snails Pace Race or Colorama. There are a few good idea books titled Everybody Wins by MacGregor and Cooperative Games and Sports by Orlick.
  • Have at least one joint chore – Cooperative efforts carry over to chores as well. Across ages, it can be helpful to for children to share responsibilities. For young children, this can be helping with pet care. For older children, this can be cleaning a shared bathroom weekly.
  • Avoid comparisions – Avoid direct comparisons, “why can’t you be more like your sister?” and indirect, “your sister is always on time!” Comparisons are a seed of sibling rivalry. For other hints about rivalry, read https://parentingbydrrene.com/2014/05/15/a-few-hints-to-avoid-sibling-rivalry/. There’s also a great parenting book titled Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish.
  • Discipline individually – As best you can, avoid discipline for one child spilling over onto siblings. If one child is throwing sand at the playground say, “if you throw sand, you will have to come out of the sandbox,” rather than, “if you throw sand, we are all going home.”
  • Praise individually – Avoid praising one child to curb their sibling’s behavior. Don’t say, “look how neatly your brother keeps his room!” rather say, “your room is a mess. Go clean it please.”
  • Make a sibling photo album – It’s nice for kids to have their own photo albums as well as a shared sibling album. This one is tough as it’s hard enough to keep family photos organized, but it’s worth the effort.
  • Tell stories about their good times – It can be helpful to remind them of their good times often. We tell a lot of stories about how Alicen welcomed Claire home from the hospital, and funny stories from when they were in preschool and early grade school.
  • Model and speak positively about your own sibling relationships – When you speak about your own siblings, either growing up together or getting along now, you are modeling how to speak and feel about siblings. Yes, some conflict is normal in life, and it’s fine to share but avoid being negative, name calling and complaining.
  • Use positive discipline – Positive discipline models giving empathy and positive intent to others. It gives children examples of how to best work through conflicts. To read more about positive discipline, read https://parentingbydrrene.com/?s=steps. You can also listen to our online audio workshops at http://parentingplaygroups.com/MemberResources/index.php/welcome/.
Join me for an in-depth discussion of Birth Order and Sibling Rivalry on Sept. 9 from 7:00-9:00pm. For more information and to register, please visit http://www.eventbrite.com/o/parenting-by-dr-rene-parenting-playgroups-283710166?s=1328924.

Discipline Rules Between Siblings

Children figting, sibling rivalry

It’s one thing to know positive discipline. It’s a whole other thing to apply this language consistently when there are siblings involved. With school letting out, families are likely to be spending more time together. Here are a few discipline rules between siblings to help for a smooth summer:

  • Discipline individually – If you are at the park with three children, and one keeps throwing sand after being asked to keep the sand in the box, aim your discipline towards the one rather than towards all three. Say something like, “if you are throwing sand, you will have to come out of the sandbox,” rather than, “if you are throwing sand, we are all going home!”
  • Praise individually – When you praise a child, you should be praising for something they did, NOT to curb their sibling. As a parent, you don’t get to say, “wow Johny, look how neatly you keep your room,” and then glare at his brother. Clearly you are talking to the brother. It’s not good to be either one in this scenario. It’s not good to be the one that got knocked, but it’s also not good to be the one that got praise in spite of brother either. There is pressure to stay on top or keep the other down, and it is a seed of sibling rivalry.
  • When you don’t know what happened, start with what you do know – As you enter the room, two children are screaming over a ball and each is yelling they had it first. Asking, “who had this first?” is often treading water. You’ll likely get two versions of the story that leave you back at the starting point. Rather start by saying what you know, “I see you are upset about using this ball. I am going to hold on to it for a minute while we figure out what to do next.” Then focus your effort on helping them problem solve and move forward.
  • Often, it’s start with empathy all around – It can go a long way to calming a situation by remembering to give empathy to anyone in need before moving through discipline. Remember to validate emotions, and let them know you understand before moving forward.
  • Allow for their negative emotions – Building on empathy is actually allowing children to own and express their negative emotions. Let’s say you hear your children arguing down the hall, and a minute later one storms into the kitchen with an, “I hate her!” The answer is to start with empathy, validate the emotions behind the words, and let the child know you understand before curbing the language. This would sound like, “wow! You are angry, you don’t like it when she uses your things!” You might go on to explore this a bit, and then can more effectively loop back around to curbing the words like a behavior, “those words were too hurtful. Next time you can tell her you are mad, or you can ask me for help (choices). If I hear those words again, you will have to play in a separate area for the afternoon (logical consequences).”
  • It’s okay when discipline varies per child – Your discipline for hitting may be very different for your three-year-old than it is for your six-year-old and that is okay.  The mantra here is ‘fair is not equal, fair is everyone has their needs met.’ Discipline and expectations may vary based on personality, history, age and other variables. You can explain to the six-year-old what you did when they were three, or what you will do when the younger is six, but the six-year-old may still see it as “not fair.” This will make more sense to them when they become a parent.
  • Recognize when and why you might side with one more than another – Sometimes, I find myself siding with my younger daughter more easily because I was the youngest in the family. You might side with one more then the other based on spacing or personality traits or behavior patterns. The idea is to recognize when this happens, so you can keep things in check.

There are a few good parenting books on sibling issues.

  • Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish
  • The Birth Order Book by Leman
  • Birth Order Blues by Wallace

There are several good children’s books on sibling issues.

  • Do Like Kyla by Johnson
  • Julius Baby of the World by Henkes
  • I Love You the Purplest by Joosse
  • On Mother’s Lap by Scott
  • Siblings: You’re Stuck with Each Other so Stick Together by Christ

A Few Hints to Avoid Sibling Rivalry

Two little boys and father planting seedlings in vegetable garde

While these may seem like small points, using comparisons and labels and praise between siblings can cause bad feelings.

Comparisons can be direct like, “why can’t you be more like your sister?” or indirect, “look how neatly your brother keeps his room!” or, “your sister was on time, but we are always waiting on you.” Any negative comparison makes the child feel badly, and overtime it builds resentment towards the other sibling. If you need to encourage a behavior, the better approach is to state it directly such as, “go clean your room,” or, “I need you to be on time.”

Labels assign children roles. This can be as simple as, “this is our big boy, and this is our baby.” Big boy implies responsibility, baby implies none. The baby label can be problematic on it’s own if used long past the point of the child being a baby. A seven-year-old with the baby label may expect to do less in the way of chores or academics because the thinking is, ‘I’m a baby.’

Labels can also be bigger such as, “this is our student, and this is our athlete.”  What you just said to the first is, “you’re not so coordinated,” and to the second, “you’re not so smart.” It’s better to avoid the labels and open wider opportunities to each. Get your student signed up for something athletic, and get your athlete a tutor.

Praise should be given individually. This means avoid giving one child praise to curb their sibling’s behavior. You want to avoid saying, “wow Johny, look how neatly you keep your room,” and then glaring at his sister. It is fine to praise Johny for his clean room, but your intent should be clean. You should be praising him for what you noticed, NOT to curb his sister. If you need the sister to clean her room, just say it directly to her. When you give praise in a relative way, it is negative for both. Obviously it’s not good to be the one that got knocked, but it’s still not good to be the one that got praised in spite of sibling. There is a need to stay on top, to keep others down which is a seed of sibling rivalry.

To learn more about sibling relationships, managing competition between siblings and the effects of birth order, attend my Birth Order and Sibling Rivalry workshop in the evening on May 22.  For more information and to register, please visit http://www.eventbrite.com/o/parenting-by-dr-rene-parenting-playgroups-283710166?s=1328924.

Allow Negative Emotions Between Siblings

Zwei Kinder streiten sich

Following an upset in her bedroom, an older daughter storms into the kitchen saying, “I hate her! She is always ruining my stuff!” Unfortunately, common parent responses include giving logic or reason, “she is younger than you, you have to be patient,” or a demand, “she is your sister, she is going to be your best friend in life,” or, “we are a family of love.” Worse yet, parents might deny the emotion overall, “you don’t hate her, you love her.” All of these responses teach the older child to bottle emotions, teach that her emotions are wrong and give her something to argue about. These responses let her know that you don’t understand.

it’s better in these moments to understand her emotion, give empathy and validate her emotion. This would sound like, “wow, you are mad at her! You don’t want her in your room.” The parent is labeling the emotion and letting the child know she is understood, that her emotions are her own and they are important. The child feels connected and can safely express herself. She can move forward from the emotion, rather than have to hang on to it and argue.

I am not saying you have to allow the word “hate” or let them scream negative things at each other day in and day out. You can follow-up by curbing the words as you would behavior. After you’ve given empathy, and the situation has calmed, it’s fair game to loop back by saying, “I know you are mad. When you are mad, I need you to find a better way to say it.” Then talk with your child about better ways. You might curb the language moving forward with, “those words are too hurtful. If I hear that again you will be in separate rooms.” Also, it’s good to spend time with both children addressing the specific behaviors at hand. This may be coming up with house rules about being in each other’s rooms, or setting aside time when they play separately each day to give them a bit more elbow room.

If you want to learn more about sibling relationships, there is a great book titled Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish.

Between Siblings: Fair Is Not Equal

Between siblings: Fair is not equal, fair is everyone has their needs met.

It is okay for your discipline to be different for your three-year-old and your six-year-old for the same behavior. You might have a different expectation for your daughter and your son around a particular behavior. You might have to coach one child more to build specific social skills relative to their sibling and that’s okay. You are raising individual children who likely have very different personalities and paths of development. While I think it’s fine to have all of these differences, your children may complain that, “that’s not fair!” As a parent, I hope you can let go of defining fair as equal.

  • With things – Say you are scooping ice cream into bowls and the youngest one says, “she has more than me!” pointing at her older sister’s bowl. She is comparing and complaining about something relative to her sister. The idea is to answer her in a non-relative way. Push the other bowls aside and gently bring her attention to her bowl saying, “this is your bowl. Do you have enough?” She can then answer yes or no, and you’ll have to deal with that, but you are taking it off the sister’s bowl. If she says, “yes,” you can move on. If she says, “no,” you can let her know that’s what is available, or you can give her more just not relative to her sister’s. If you start to dole out slivers of ice cream in an effort to make it equal, you are putting yourself on a path to endlessly measure out amounts.
  • With time – I remember a Sunday afternoon when Alicen and I spent four undivided hours working together on her Jamestown Island project for school. She was eight years old, and her five year old sister spent the afternoon milling around the house and bored. Following that, I didn’t put pressure on myself to give Claire an equal four undivided hours. I had faith that Claire would have a similar project in the future. Overtime, if things really do seem unbalanced then address it.
  • With love – When a child asks, “who do you love best?” Answer them individually by saying, “I love you because…” and then tell them why you love them. Answer them individually, not relative to their sibling.

If you’d like to learn more, please visit our online workshops at www.parentingbydrrene.com. Related workshops include Birth Order, Managing Competition, Sibling Rivalry and Proactive Discipline.

There is also a great parenting book that fully covers this titled Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish.

Helping Siblings Get Along

Here are a few general tips to benefit sibling relationships:

  • Fair is not equal, fair is everyone has their needs met – It’s okay that the discipline for a three-year-old is different than the discipline for a seven-year-old for the same behaviors. They are different children at different stages of development, meeting their needs may happen in very different ways.
  • Avoid comparisons – This can be as mild as, “this is our big boy, and this is our baby,” or as direct as, “this is our student, and this is our athlete.” These labels and comparisons can put a lot of pressure on children and define our expectations which can be limiting.
  • Beyond three years old think of yourself more as coach than referee in helping them get along – When the youngest involved is under three years old, you are still often a referee. As they get older, avoid solving for them. Rather focus on teaching them new and better skills to problem solve themselves. Focus your efforts on helping them listen to each other, take turns and share, negotiate and problem solve together. This can take a great deal of time and creativity, but in the long run moves them towards being able to solve without you.
  • Give them lots of opportunities – Siblings need opportunities to play and work together. This might be shared challenges like cleaning up together to beat the clock, cooking together, having sleep overs or building forts together.

To learn more about each of these ideas and much more about sibling relationships, join my Birth Order and Sibling Rivalry workshop this Sunday April 14 from 7:00-9:00 p.m.  For more information and to register, please visit http://www.eventbrite.com/org/283710166?s=1328924.

Can’t make it to the workshop? There is a great parenting book titled Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish.

Your Own Sibling Relationships Can Impact Your Children’s Sibling Relationships

Two Families Sitting Outside House

First, your own sibling relationships help shape your expectations for how your children might get along. My brother and I got along great growing up. We played together when we were little and hung out fairly often through college. I expect my girls to get along. When they do play and hang out, I count that as it should be. My husband and his siblings didn’t get along so well. His older brother and he fought often and never felt close. His younger sister and he bickered often. When he sees the girls getting along, he is still surprised. He thinks it’s just short of miraculous they enjoy each others’ company.

Second, how you speak to and about your grown siblings models to your children how to speak to and about siblings. Read that again if you need to. When your children are within earshot, speak about your siblings in the nicest way possible. It’s great if it’s honest, and it’s okay if it’s a stretch, or just avoid saying negative things so openly. I speak very openly about growing up with my brother, how much fun we had on family vacations and how it was great to be at the same high school and college for a year. My husband speaks nicely about his sister and avoids speaking much about his brother as it’s still rocky.

Third, you may side more often with one or the other based on birth order or other related variables. I was the youngest in my family, and I find myself occasionally siding with my youngest Claire because her perspective makes sense to me. The goal is to recognize the tendency and be sure it doesn’t become a pattern.

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