It’s okay for your child to be frustrated. It’s okay when your child is disappointed. This is not something for you to avoid or fix for them. It is something for you to connect with, and to help them move through.
A dad of a four-year-old questioned, “we have a routine when we run to the grocery store of stopping for an ice cream next door, and then the toy store to sit on a rocking horse, and then to get groceries. Some days time is tight and I want to just get groceries, but he gets upset so I feel I can’t. Do I have to get ice cream and visit the toy store?”
While it is a nice outing, it is life to have changes in routine. It’s better to help your child learn to cope, than to tip-toe around it and avoid the upset.
You might help by preparing them for the change. On the way, you might say, “I know you like stopping for ice cream and the toy store. Today we only have time for the grocery store.” You might then offer a choice, “would you like to pick the ice cream or the cereal?” or a challenge, “can you count all the items we put in the cart?” or a job, “I need a cart pusher,” to get them thinking about the grocery store rather than the ice cream or toy store.
For the upset that still may follow, it’s good to provide empathy; “I know it’s frustrating when we have to change our plan,” or, “I know you really like the other stops.” Often it’s good to connect with hugs or hand holding.
Out of the moment, it’s good to coach them on emotions and ways to manage when their triggers happen. Here is a link to a blog post which includes way to coach emotions and the importance of triggers: https://parentingbydrrene.com/…/preventing-tantrums-emotion…/
The idea is – prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.
Following an upset in her bedroom, an older daughter storms into the kitchen saying, “I hate her! She is always ruining my stuff!” Unfortunately, common parent responses include giving logic or reason, “she is younger than you, you have to be patient,” or a demand, “she is your sister, she is going to be your best friend in life,” or, “we are a family of love.” Worse yet, parents might deny the emotion overall, “you don’t hate her, you love her.” All of these responses teach the older child to bottle emotions, teach that her emotions are wrong and give her something to argue about. These responses let her know that you don’t understand.
it’s better in these moments to understand her emotion, give empathy and validate her emotion. This would sound like, “wow, you are mad at her! You don’t want her in your room.” The parent is labeling the emotion and letting the child know she is understood, that her emotions are her own and they are important. The child feels connected and can safely express herself. She can move forward from the emotion, rather than have to hang on to it and argue.
I am not saying you have to allow the word “hate” or let them scream negative things at each other day in and day out. You can follow-up by curbing the words as you would behavior. After you’ve given empathy, and the situation has calmed, it’s fair game to loop back by saying, “I know you are mad. When you are mad, I need you to find a better way to say it.” Then talk with your child about better ways. You might curb the language moving forward with, “those words are too hurtful. If I hear that again you will be in separate rooms.” Also, it’s good to spend time with both children addressing the specific behaviors at hand. This may be coming up with house rules about being in each other’s rooms, or setting aside time when they play separately each day to give them a bit more elbow room.
If you want to learn more about sibling relationships, there is a great book titled Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish.