Child Chewing on Clothes

chewing

Hi Dr. Rene,

My six-year-old son has a habit of chewing on his shirts. He frequently comes home from school with his collar and sleeves in tatters. I really think he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. When he does it at home, I can gently remind him to stop, and he does. But when he’s at school, I’m not there to remind him not to do it. Any thoughts on getting him past this?
Sincerely,

Hannah, mom of two

Dear Hannah,

There are a variety of reasons cited for children mindlessly chewing on clothes. Some suggest chewing may assist children with focus and attention. It is along the lines of giving kids a koosh-ball for focused fidgeting in the classroom. Others suggest some children just need more physical movement and sitting still causes built up tension.  These may be sensory-seeking children with a need for more oral stimulation or physical stimulation overall. For others it may be a self-soothing activity like thumb sucking or hair twirling. The chewing may help the child calm from negative emotions. However it started, for some children it just becomes a habit.

There are just as many suggestions on how to curb the unwanted behavior. Following the koosh-ball idea, there are chew bracelets, necklaces (such as phitens or chewelery), chewy tubes, grabbers, chewing pencil toppers, teething balls, coffee stirers and small nuk brushes. Several parents on Listserves suggest a wash cloth then strips of a wash cloth for children to chew as needed. Children may enjoy brushing their teeth often with a soft toothbrush. I tend to prefer the replacement activities such as counting the back of their teeth with their tongue or chewing healthy, crunchy snacks (think apple slices and carrots often) or sugar-free chewing gum.

It may be worthwhile to test if more physical movement opportunities and movement breaks during the day help. This might include taking your child to the playground in the morning, providing lots of gross motor activities indoors and out and being sure there are recess and P.E. breaks at school. Plan for your child to have challenges around carrying, pushing, pulling, climbing and swimming.

It may also be helpful to teach your child other ways to self soothe. This may be deep breathing, slow or backward counting, visualization, meditation or mantras. You might provide a lovey to sleep with and cuddle. If the chewing seems to be ramping up, it is worth checking for any stress your child may be feeling.

When you do see the behavior be sure you are gently saying, “take that out of your mouth,” or, “clothes stay out of your mouth,” rather than, “stop chewing on that,” or, “don’t chew.” Ask his teacher to do the same everytime. I would pair this with one of the other options like a chew bracelet or gum. Each time redirect him to what he can chew. Avoid nagging, yelling or disciplining the chewing. This increased negative attention often backfires. The long term idea is most children outgrow this behavior on their own but it can take a while.

If it doesn’t lessen soon and considerably with your consistent efforts, you might take a consultation with a pediatric occupational therapist who is familiar with chewing for ideas beyond mine.

A good related article:

http://www.kidzworld.co.za/development/does-your-child-chew-on-her-clothes-and-pencils.html

Sincerely, Dr. Rene

Calm Parenting – Shift Your Responsibility

Staying calm when your child is misbehaving can be a difficult thing to do. I think part of the answer lies in where you place your focus. Often parents feel responsible for their child’s behavior. The misbehavior feels like a direct reflection on you. If you think other’s are judging your parenting based on the child’s behaviors, it is easy to lose your cool. To calm, shift your focus. Think of being responsible to them rather than for them.

For example, you and your three-year-old are having lunch together at a restaurant. They are busy eating their mac & cheese when all of a sudden, they fling a forkful and hit a person at the next table. You are not responsible for them throwing food. You didn’t arm and aim them. You are responsible to model, teach apologies, to address and curb the behavior. You are responsible to teach them how to behave in restaurants moving forward.

Another example, your eight-year-old decides to skip spelling homework and studying for a week and gets a poor grade. You are not responsible for the grade. It is not your homework. You are responsible to help them understand the importance of homework and studying moving forward. You are responsible to check their homework completion in the next few weeks while they get back on track. You are responsible to sort out whether this was truely a dip in effort or a bigger learning difficulty.

Overall, this means to focus your efforts on what you can control. If you are so narrowly focused on changing their beahavior, you are likely to feel frustrated. Focus on the piece you can control. Rather than focus on changing their behavior, focus on changing your reaction to their behavior. Focus on building skills to better address, manage and teach about behavior.

Helping Kids Speak Up for Themselves

This post is for parents whose children lack an assertive voice. When Alicen was a toddler, if someone took a toy or did something she didn’t like, she would just stand there or cry. When she was a preschooler, she would sadly walk away or come bury her face against my leg. She didn’t have an assertive voice. She didn’t readily stand up for herself.

There is a series of steps to teaching children an assertive voice. Again, this is not a quick fix. We started this process with Alicen six years ago, and we continue to work on it in small ways. Clearly she has made great progress, but we are still addressing the issues. If you have a child who lacks assertive voice, you’ll have to make a decision about which steps are necessary depending on age and comfort level.

The first thing I ask any child, whether they are at the first step or the last, whether they are two or seven years old, is, “did you like that?” It gets kids turned around. They stop thinking, “oh, poor me. I am so sad,” and they start thinking, “no. I didn’t like that.” They start to think about standing up for themselves.

For the remainder of this example, let’s assume another child took a toy your child was playing with. After you ask, “did you like that?” the entry step is to then go with the child and do the talking for them. Take their hand, walk with them to the other child and say calmly, “they weren’t done with that. they’d like to finish their turn.” You are modeling the language that you hope the child will some day take as their own. Eventually, you want them to say, “I wasn’t done with that. I’d like to finish my turn.”

Once they are comfortable with that, you can move to the next step. After asking whether they liked that, go with them and provide an example of what to say on the way. You might take your child’s hand and say, “when we get there, say, ‘I’m not done,’ or, ‘I want that back.’” Hopefully, you arrive at the other child, and your child will try out the language you suggested. This step may take several attempts. It took many exchanges before Alicen actually spoke up for herself. For quite a while, I would give examples, we would arrive at the other child, and Alicen would just look up at me blankly. If this happens, continue to model the language.

Once they are comfortable speaking up when you provide examples, think about stepping out a bit more. First, you can give examples, and then, stay back while they go over alone. After you ask if they liked that, you can say, “ok, I’m going to stay here; when you go over, you can say, ‘I want to finish my turn.’” Or, you can go with them and prompt them to come up with the language on their own. You can say, “I’ll go with you. What are you going to say to them?”

Whichever path you take, the next step is to have them come up with the language and go over on their own. This is the last step, and this is where Alicen continues to be today. She’ll run up to me at the playground and say, “she took that from me!” I’ll ask, “did you like that?” She’ll reply, “no, I didn’t!” I’ll ask, “what are you going to say?” She’ll reply, “I’m going to tell her that I want to finish my turn.” I’ll say, “okay, go try that,” and off she’ll go. I’m not really doing much. She is just rebounding off me. I am there providing support. I assume that when she is away from me, she is handling much of this on her own.

What if your child uses their assertive voice, and it doesn’t work? You coach them, and they bravely walk over and say, “I wasn’t done with that. I’d like it back please.” The other child rolls their eyes and says, “so what? I’m playing with it now.” As a parent you have choices. I think any of them are fine, just think about it ahead of time. Be prepared.  You might mention it to their parents and hope for support. You might go over and reiterate for your child. Another child might be more willing to listen to you than to your child. You might let your child know that they did the right thing. They used the right language, but sometimes things don’t work out as we plan. This is true in life. As adults, we might ask another in a restaurant, “could you light that in a few minutes? We’re about to leave.” The other patron rolls their eyes and say, “So what? I’m smoking it now.” Sometimes things don’t work out as we plan.

Then, I think of Claire and other children who fall at the opposite end of the spectrum.  Even as a toddler, she told people what she thought when she thought it. I have seen other children who speak out a bit too loudly when they are assertive. As long as no one is getting hurt, I want children to keep their assertive voices. Rather than disciplining a child for being too loud at this, parents should coach and model other ways for children to better express themselves.

Calm Parenting – Take Care of Yourself First

I speak with so many moms in our workshops, and lately a common complaint is they are “running on empty.” Moms comment they aren’t getting enough sleep, aren’t eating well and feel increasingly stressed. Basically, they just aren’t taking care of themselves. Some cite the time crunch, others the effort after taking care of everyone else in the family. Whatever the cause, feeling empty is such a difficult way to come at parenting.

  • Sleep – It’s suggested that most adults need seven to nine hours of sleep each night. The National Sleep Foundation provides this article on sleep needs: http://www.sleepfoundation.org/article/how-sleep-works/how-much-sleep-do-we-really-need.
  • Nutrition – I’ve never been one to count calories or limit foods, but, as I am getting older, I can feel food choices impacting my mood and energy levels. HelpGuide.org provides this interesting article on nutrition guidelines for women: http://www.helpguide.org/life/healthy_eating_women_nutrition.htm.
  • Stress – When you can directly manage the stressor, all the better. It’s best if you can cut back on work hours or better design your schedule, and relieve stress at the source. If not, here is an article with so many great suggestions for managing stress: http://childdevelopmentinfo.com/parenting/stress.shtml.
  • Exercise – When I can fit in exercise, I feel great. It is so hard to find the time and energy. I am inspired by one of our preschool teacher/moms who fits exercise in in small ways throughout the day. She lunges to take out the trash and stretches before she sits for each meal. Apparently, a little at a time adds up in beneficial ways. For lots of great tips about exercising read: http://exercise.about.com/od/fittinginexercise/tp/stayathomeexercise.htm, and visit a great blog at  http://www.exercisingmom.com/.
  • Relax – Do whatever it is that helps you relax. Read, run, sing, dance, wine with friends, walks in the park or nature hikes. The more you can refresh and recharge before you take on parenting, the better!

Calm Parenting – Know Your Triggers

Calm Parenting is a hot topic these days. My Calm Parenting workshops have quickly become as popular as my Positive Discipline classes. In both sessions, and in many other, unrelated classes parents report losing their cool often. They say they would like to provide a calm household, but find themselves yelling more than they’d like. This week’s posts will all focus on ways to calm.

It can be helpful to first identify your triggers for losing that sense of calm in parenting. Right now, make a list of the things that happen or the things your kids do that make you lose it. A top three list would be a good place to start.

Next, think about and jot down how you typically react to each. Be honest with yourself, what do you typically do and say? What do you look like and sound like to your kids? What is the intensity or volume of your response? This is your reaction.

Now realize, you never need to react that way again. There are so many other things, likely more productive things you could do in these moments. Brainstorm a list of better things you could do. Maybe focus on giving them choices related to the behavior, focus on creative ways to better teach them or build a list of children’s stories that would illustrate the point you are trying to make. In the long run, you could learn positive discipline and develop better things to say around I messages, empathy, positive intent, choices and consequences. You might read Playful Parenting by Cohen and make light when it seems appropriate.

The point is to recognize that your typical reaction when you lose your cool is less than helpful. It likely isn’t working to curb the behavior and doesn’t feel good to anyone involved. Part of calm parenting is planning for these times.

How Choices Work in Positive Discipline

Child looking for direction

When offering choices in discipline, the goal is to offer two positive choices for the child that both meet your goal in parenting. These choices can focus on the how, what, when or where. Let’s say you need to have the playroom cleaned up. Offering choices about how could include, “would you like to start by yourself or with help?” or, “would you like to throw the balls or drop them in the basket?” Choices about what may include, “would you like to start with the blocks or the balls first?” or, “would you like to start with red toys or blue toys?” A choice about when would be, “would you like to clean before bath or before bed?” A choice about where would be, “would you like to start on this side of the room or that?”

Choices work because the child gets to have some power. Choices elicit cooperation; the child willingly does what you want her to do because she gets to make a decision. This is especially true for young children under five years old because they have very little power in their day. They are often told where to go, when to go and to be quiet while they are going there. If you ask a three-year-old who is hemming about having to take medicine, “would you like it with a spoon or a dropper?” and they reply, “dropper,” they are more willing to take the medicine because of their newly found sense of control.

The choices don’t have to be important ones. For that child who is hesitant to take medicine, you could offer, “would you like it with juice or water?” The next night ask, “standing or sitting?” The next night ask, “in the kitchen or in the bathroom?” None of these choices are terribly important in the process, but they tend to gain compliance for the parenting goal of downing the medicine.

To be fair, both options must be good for the child. Steer clear of offering one positive and one negative option. I think of Alicen, who makes a lot of noise throughout the day; she hums, whistles and sings. By the end of the day, it can be a bit much. When we are all in the kitchen getting ready for dinner, I might say, “you can do that in here very quietly or out in the foyer loud.” Neither of those options is particularly bad. If I offered one positive and one negative, I might say, “you can do that in here quietly or go to your room.” In this case, my language is manipulative. I am saying, “here is a bad and here is a good; now which do you want?” Children typically understand this and think, “well, duh! Nobody wants the bad.” They are forced to choose the one you want them to choose. That is not a choice; it is a consequence and should be stated as such: “If you do not quiet down, I will send you to your room.” When there is one positive and one negative, it is a given what will happen; it is not a choice. Rather than provide a false choice that is actually a consequence like “you can mow the lawn today or be grounded; which do you want?” parents will get better results by stating the cause and effect clearly, “if you do not mow the lawn, I will ground you.”

In most discipline, choices come after any needed “I” messages or empathy but before consequences. As you enter into discipline, it is best to address emotions first. Help yourself and your child to calm and manage emotions before you try to discipline or to fix the situation. Once that is done or if that is not needed, think choices before consequences. Choices work because they elicit cooperation. Children are often happy to do the thing you want them to do. Negative logical consequences work because you are putting your foot down. Children are often resentful of the process or angry that you just trumped them. The order of response would be to lead with the choice.

First: “Do you want the red or the blue sweatshirt?”

And then, if necessary, follow that up with a logical consequence.

Second: “If don’t get dressed now, we will lose our time for the playground.”

This puts the happy option first and follows up with the less agreeable way if happiness fails. The other order – consequence first followed by choice – is usually less effective. Children will be less willing to choose if you were just firm with them. An example would look like: “if you do not get dressed right now, we’ll lose our time for the playground. Now which do you want the red or the blue sweatshirt?” You already put your foot down, so it is far less attractive to take you up on a choice. Choices should come first because they are flexible and open. Consequences are closed; there is a built-in outcome.

There are a few exceptions to the “choices first” guideline. Aggressive behaviors tend to go straight to consequences. Hitting, kicking, biting and screaming in someone’s face are behaviors that do not have choices available; they just don’t. In those cases, I tend to think consequences first after attending to and offering empathy to the “victim.”

There are a few expected stages in development when choices can be especially effective.  At various ages, many children are driven to gain independence in particular ways. Around two to three years old, most children are driven to do things for themselves. Parents of toddlers and preschoolers often hear, “I’ll do it myself.” It is helpful if parents can offer choices such as, “would you like to do it by yourself or with help?”

Around six years old, children tend to push for more control over their schedule and routines. It can be helpful if parents offer choices such as, “would you like to read books or color now?” or, “let’s invite a playdate. Would you like to call Lindsey or Emily to play?” Around eight years old, children may push for more physical independence.  Choices such as, “would you all like to sit with us or a few aisles away?” can be helpful.  In the pre-teen years, children tend to need more privacy. Parents can offer choices such as, “would you all like some time alone in your room or in the basement?” If children feel thwarted in their push for independence, they may become evasive in their efforts. If you feel struggles happening over these pushes for new independence, it is most helpful to examine the amount of control you are exerting over your children.

Children benefit from practice at making decisions. Kohn states that children “learn to make good decisions by making decisions.” Ideally, you are offering these choices throughout the day, not just in discipline. Asking questions like, “would you like peanut butter or ham and cheese?” or, “do you want to play blocks or balls?” provides children with safe opportunities to practice making choices. These opportunities are out of the moment of discipline. There is less hanging in the balance. The better children get at weighing the options and making decisions when the decisions are not weighted with importance, the better they’ll handle choices within discipline. When my children came to me at seven years old and asked, “what should I do about this?” I wanted to be able to give it back to them by asking, “what do you think you should do?” To gain experience problem-solving – to come up with and weigh options –  children need practice.

As a general guideline, when children are under five years old, provide only two choices. If you open the closet and ask a three-year-old, “what would you like to wear?” the choices can be overwhelming. Children will let you know when they are ready for wider choices. You might ask, “do you want the red or the blue sweatshirt?” If they reply, “how about the green,” they are likely ready for more options. By all means, if green is another sweatshirt which meets your parenting goal, it is fine. If the green is a party dress, and you are headed to the muddy playground, you might say, “I really like the green too, but today it is red or blue.” It is fine to reiterate choices. If this strategy still doesn’t work, you can choose for them, but you have to let them know that is coming. You could say, “this is taking a long time. You can choose, or I will choose for you.” Most kids will choose immediately because they don’t want to lose that power. This shift should not sound like, “okay. This is taking too long; I choose the blue.” If you swoop in and take their power without warning, you will surely be met by upset or tantrums.

While choices often work, sometimes, they just don’t. You warn children to make a choice, and they fall to pieces. Or, they do make a choice, but then throw it down and run from the room screaming. When choices fail, you can fall back on consequences. Moving to consequences also prevents you from being bogged down by choices. Occasionally, we have a parent who says that choices don’t work because, for example, “my child says ‘no’ to the initial offer, so I come up with other choices, and she just refuses every option,” or, “we go in circles all day because he’ll pick something and then change his mind and fight for the other.” In these scenarios, the child has led the use of choices into a power struggle. The idea is to offer one set of choices, encourage a decision, and then move forward. If choices break down, move to consequences rather than join in the struggle by offering a series of choices. If the choices initially work and then a bit later the child starts to lose interest, it is fine to offer a second set of choices to keep the momentum going. It is successful if you are cleaning the playroom together and initially offer, “would you like to start with the blocks or the balls?” and the child chooses and starts picking up the blocks. If interest fades six minutes later, you can offer another set of choices, “do you want to finish the blocks by yourself or with help?”

Another possible challenge with choices, is when a child will choose one, but then push for the other. Let’s say you offer, “would you like cereal or oatmeal?” The child chooses oatmeal, you make it, and as you set it on the table the child says, “no! I want cereal.” At that late point, if you then make the cereal, the child will push for the second option often. There is more power in getting you to make two. If you want that push to end, offer empathy around the first choice, but stick with it through the upset. Say “I know you like cereal. I am sorry, but I’ve already made the oatmeal, and that’s what is for breakfast. You are welcome to cereal tomorrow.” It may take a few times of sticking with the first choice, but if you are consistent, the push for the second thing should lessen. If you have a child who does this often, you can confirm before making the oatmeal. After you have offered and child chooses, you can say, “I heard you, you picked cereal. I am going to make it, and we are going to stick with it. Do you understand?” At least then you’ll feel better about sticking with the first choice.

Choices are flexible and work because they share power with the child. They also teach decision-making and often result in a more peaceful exchange than consequences.

Tips about Grandparents

When it is going well, grandparents can provide a child with a sense of family history, a different perspective on who you are as their parent and an additional attachment relationship. There are so many ways to stay connected.

  • Make vists as welcoming as possible – For a relationship to grow, they need time together. Time together means visits and phone calls. Ideally, children will see their grandparents often and throughout the year.
  • Travel together – When we can, we’ve made it a point to meet extended family away from home. Sharing a house at the beach or having adjoining hotel rooms can give people time together with no one having the pressure to host.
  • Skype, text, email, facebook – This may take some technological effort on your part from both ends, but there are an increasing number of ways for people to stay connected. It makes my heart happy that my oldest daughter and my dad just became friends on facebook.
  • The mail – When our girls were younger, my parents sent postcards from everywhere they went. A little later, my oldest and my parents sent a craft project back and forth, each working a little at a time.
  • Keep pictures out – Having family photos and scrap books is a small but easy way to stay connected.

When it is not going well, there are several guidelines to keep in mind.

  • They would risk themselves – A mom once told me this is how she keeps her mother-in-law issues in perspective, she reminds herself that in the whole world grandparents are likely the only other ones that would risk their lives for your child.
  • Weigh how often they visit – If grandparents only visit two weekends a year, deciding boundaries and working out issues is a very different thing than if they are your 20 hours a week childcare. A child missing naps or eating extra cookies is likely something you can let go a few days a year but not several days a week.
  • Decide if it’s health and safety – A grandparent that spanks, and you are headset against, can quickly become an issue even if they are just together a handful of times. Health and safety issues should be discussed.

Want Kids to Listen? Stop Repeating Yourself!

It’s an all too familiar scenario…

Mom is almost ready to leave, children are still coloring in the kitchen. Mom says, “hey, time to get your shoes on, and could you turn off the tv, please?” Mom keeps moving to put the breakfast dishes in the sink. Children ignore mom’s request and keep coloring. Mom walks over to gather her things, turns off the tv herself and says, “really, get your shoes.  We gotta go.” Children continue coloring. One child looks up briefly, sees mom looking through her purse and checking her phone, so back to coloring. Mom, without looking up says, “shoes.” Mom, putting on her coat snaps, “shoes now! (five seconds pass) That’s one….(five seconds), two….(five seconds), do you hear me? I am counting! GET YOUR SHOES!” Crayons drop, kids move towards shoes. 

Parent asks child to do something. Child ignores request. Parent repeats request. Child ignores. Parent escalates. Child ignores. Parent, who was initially calm, loses it and yells. Child listens and moves into action. Parent is frustrated that child doesn’t listen.

The unfortunate thing if you are in this cycle is you are actually teaching your child to NOT listen. By repeating the request, you are directly teaching them to tune you out. The child is learning that, when you start talking, you are going to say it two or three more times, so they wait. They learn that they have at least a few more minutes from the first request before they have to listen. They learn you are unpredictable, sometimes you really mean it, and sometimes you just don’t, so they watch.

To break the habit of repeating yourself, you have to make a new habit. The idea is to say it once, and then expect them to listen. Accept that at least initially, you may have to move into action and help them to listen. You may have to help them at first because together you’ve created the pattern of tuning out. So let’s say you buy in, and starting now, decide to say things once and expect children to listen. For starters, the new pattern is going to fail. Tomorrow morning, you get their attention and very clearly say, “it’s time to go. Put on your shoes, please.” They are not likely to listen as listening the first time is not the familiar habit. Rather than repeat and frustrate yourself, move into action. Take child to shoes, or take shoes to child, and get them started. You can still give them choices about which pair of shoes or which step to sit on. You can give them a challenge to put them on before you sing the alphabet. You can still be polite and say please. The point is, you can still talk, just avoid the repeated asking them to put on their shoes again. Hopefully you will be less frustrated. Even if you have to stop what you are doing to help, at least you only said it once.

Have faith that you are building a new and better habit. It should only take a few weeks before a six-year-old starts to realize, “oh, you are only going to say things once. You actually expect me to listen.” With a two-year-old, it can take until they are three, but it is a far better habit to be in as a parent, to say things once and expect listening than to start down the path of repeating to be ignored.

We had a mom in class who said, “I get this, but it’s crazy. I must say 16 times every morning, ‘put on your shoes.’ No one is listening to me, but I”m making four lunches, and I’ve got four boys running amok, and you want me to stop making lunch.” Yes, I either want her to stop making lunches and help them listen, OR, better yet, save her breath and wait until she is done making lunches, and then gather everyone to ask them to put on shoes. Wait until you are in a position to move into action and expect listening. In her current habit she is directly teaching them to tune her out 16 times, making the rest of her day that much harder. Clearly there is a need to change the habit.

6 Ways to Get Kids to Stay in Bed

sleep

I remember with my older daughter Alicen, the night she realized she could get out of her toddler bed, she was up something like 42 times in the first hour. I know, it can be infuriating. There are many options to keep them tucked in at bedtime.

The mantra – This is where you summon your most peaceful self and prepare to take them back again and again. When you do this, you either say nothing, or you say the same thing each time with same tone and emotion. In our house, this was a very flat, “you mut stay in bed.” You also want to strive to take them back in the same way each time. I did, hands on shoulders guided walking each time. Even if they go boneless and sloutch to the floor, you repeat as best you can. The idea here is they are getting out for attention, for a game, and you are not giving it to them. If you choose to do this, you must know that you will stay calm. If you can stay calm and outlast, the next night it is less, and then less again, and then done. If you snap and lose it at time 17 and yell, “I said STAY IN BED!” You have just taught the child, 17 is the goal, that’s when it becomes a game. If you can outlast them, it should be over in a few nights.

A consequence – Using this technique, you let child know, “if you stay in bed, your door can stay open. If you get out of bed, your door will be closed.” If child gets out of bed, you might close the door for one minute the first time and longer on later times. This only works if your child likes to sleep with the door open.

The check-in – This plan reinforces the positive. This is when you say to child at the end of tuck-in, “if you are laying down and quiet, I will pat your back (or come sit with you, sing to you, play with your hair etc.)” Then you leave and just a minute or so later return and say, “you are laying down and quiet, I will pat your back.” When you do, again say and do the same thing each time (or say nothing) and stay less than 30 seconds. Ever so gradually work your way up to longer stretches out of the room. A child who is laying down and quiet for long stretches will likely fall asleep. There are check-in methods like Ferber and Mindell that build this into the regular bedtime routine in a systematic way.

The babygate – We have known many families that when they tuck-in, it’s over. They put the babygate on the door and are done. Child may get out of bed, mill around, call for mom or fall asleep by the door, but it’s still done. Given a night or two they tend to fall asleep in bed. If you are going to do this, the room MUST be child-proof (dressers attached to walls and all).

The stay – This is the family that finishes the bedtime routine, tucks-in and then stays. The first week, you might sit on the edge of the bed with your hand on their back. The next week, sit on the edge of the bed with your hands in your lap. Have a comfy chair because the next week, you move a foot away. Gradually, week by week, you move yourself out of the room. The trick here is to do this with little to no talking. If you engage in conversation easily, this may not work for you. There are gradual move-out methods like Brazelton that describe this in detail.

Tickets – As children are four years old and older, tickets may be an easy answer. The idea is to give the child two tickets (small, cut out, construction paper rectangles) with each ticket representing one request or time to get up. If the child needs a re-tuck, one ticket. If the child needs a drink of water, one ticket. When the tickets are gone, the child stays in bed. Not quite sure why this one works, but often it does.

To learn more about ways to keep them in bed and about other bedtime routines and sleep issues, join me on Wednesday Sept. 24 from 7:00-9:00 p.m. for our workshop on Bedtime Routines and Sleep Issues. For more information and to register, please visit http://www.eventbrite.com/org/283710166?s=1328924.

Teach Turn Taking thru Role Play

At any age, if your child is not yet good at turn taking, it can be helpful to role play the process. This means to approach them when they are playing alone and happy at, say, the train table. Pick up the blue train that is not being used and say something like, “wow! The blue train. I love this train, it’s the best train on the table.” Then play with it. If the child wants it or even just looks up, say something like, “oh, you’d like a turn. Sure, I’ll be done with my turn in just a minute, and I’ll be sure to give it to you.” Then feel a little silly while you play with the train. Soon say, “I am done with my turn now. Here, you can have a turn with the blue train. Please remember that I want the next turn when you are done with it.” If they remember to give it back when they finish, gush a little. Say, “you remembered I was waiting, that was kind. Thank you for giving a turn.” If they forget, just gently remind, “hey, can I have the blue train back in my hand? I was waiting for another turn,” and gush when they give it, “you are giving me a turn, thanks!” Do this a few times a week and the child is gradualy learning the language and process of turn taking when it isn’t a fight or high emotions.